who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
