He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
