please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
