I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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