It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
