Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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