I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
