i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
