I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
