Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i came on her dog
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
