if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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