you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
