the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
