No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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