the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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