Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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