Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
