Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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