Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
