I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
