I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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