I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
