he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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