I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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