Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Randomize
