What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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