There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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