If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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