the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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