I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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