Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
