I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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