My girlfriend figured out who you are.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
