Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
