So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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