I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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