the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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