First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
