My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
