We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
