i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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