i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
