I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
