U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
