I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
