Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
