I cut my penus on the lid.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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