the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
