One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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