you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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