my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
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