We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
