i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
