oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
