Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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