I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
