Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize