I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
