I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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