Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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