How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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